Wrong Side of the Bridge

The last time I was in the psych hospital was 2013.  The week before, I had a near miss.  Here's how it happened:  

I had joined a writing group.  I got the clever idea of writing about my self harm experiences and razor blades.  It was dangerous for me.  I knew that...but I wanted to write about what had happened to me.

I found myself at work, marginally safe from self harm.  I called my therapist and left a message.  I called my case manager and left a message.  Then, I got really unsafe and wanted to go buy razor blades.  But, I knew it would really piss Ronnie off.

My anxiety rose by the minute.  I called my doctor's office and tried to talk to her nurse.  I ended up with the consulting nurse.  She wanted someone to drive me to Urgent Care.  I said, "So, I should go to Urgent Care?"

"I don't want you to drive.  Is there someone who can drive you?”

I said, "Beth."

"Your friend?"

"Yes."

"I want to talk to her."

"Okay, but I should go to Urgent Care?"

"Please put Beth on the phone."

I went to get Beth.  Unfortunately, I hadn't told her anything about what was going on.  I just handed her my cell phone and threw her in the deep end.  I watched her say yes, okay, no, yes.  I watched her eyebrows go up and down.  I shook my head no about her driving me.  Then, they hung up.

"She wants me to drive you, and she'll call me back in an hour."

"Thanks, but I don't want you to drive me."

"Then, you have to call me when you get there, because she's gonna call me back.  I can't lie to her again.  I already lied once."  Beth complained.

"Okay, I'll call you in half an hour."

Beth responded, "Okay, but you have to call me, because she's gonna call me back in an hour."

"Don't worry, I'll call."

I left work for Urgent Care or parts unknown.  I drove fast.  I didn't want to stop at any grocery stores, and I had to pass two on the way to Urgent Care.

Upon my arrival, Urgent Care called me in right away.  "Joceile?"

"Yes."

"I'm Dr. Mack.  You are feeling suicidal?"  Dr. Mack was shortish with black glasses and black hair.  Her clothes looked oversized.

"Yes."  I said.

"We're really not able to help you here."

"What do you mean?"  Alarm went through me as I noticed that I could not stand still or quit hitting my fists on each other.

"We really need you to go to St. Peters."  St. Peter Hospital was the local hospital with an emergency room and psych unit.

I had visions of walking out and down the street to St. Peters.  "Nobody can help me here?"

"We're not set up to take care of psych patients."

"Well, upstairs is behavioral health.  Somebody upstairs can help me."  I was not yelling but felt like it.

Dr. Mack said, "I can call and see if someone can come down."  She left to make the call, and the nurse sat quietly in front of the computer.  I bounced against the wall while I waited.

The nurse said, "I like your tie."  I was wearing a bright, pink shiny tie.

"Thank you."  Always be polite.  You never know when you may need a friend.

I kept banging my back against the wall, pushing off, and banging back.

Eventually, Dr. Mack came back with a sight for sore eyes.  Holly, my group therapist, was with her.  She said, "Hi, Joceile," and offered to take me upstairs to talk.  What a relief!  Someone who knew me and cared about me.

"Follow me.  We can go the back way which is kind of exciting."  I didn't feel that excited about it, but I was relieved to get help.  "I have a few minutes that I can spend with you."

I knew she was busy.  Everyone is busy.  "Thank you, Holly."

I entered her office and began pacing back and forth.  Holly sat down, "tell me what's going on."

Telling was harder than pacing.  I could barely meet her eyes.  "I crossed the bridge," I said and gestured at a make believe bridge with my hands.  "I was on this side, and I crossed, and now I'm on this side."  I moved my hands from left to right.

"What does that mean?"

"It means I'm not safe.  I'm not safe.  I don't know what to do."

"Can you take some deep breaths?"  I inhaled, "Now let it out."

I let a shaky breath out.  "Again."  This wasn't easy.  

Three more breaths in and out while still pacing.  At that point, I thought Holly got that I was beyond just deep breathing.

"So, what do you need?"

"I need help being safe."

"You may need to go to the hospital if you can't be safe."

"I hate going to the hospital."  I hung by my hands on the coat rack attached to the wall.

"I know but that may be what you need."  I kept pacing despite the fact that Holly’s office was quite small for pacing.  I leaned into the wall. 

"What are you doing?"

"I'm trying to push the wall."

"What would work for you?"

I sighed, "A magic wand; a powerful potion; a big shot of something."

"Would you like Dr. McNabb to come in and prescribe you something?"

I kept pacing, "That would be good."

"Are you safe here while I see if Dr. McNabb is available?"

"Yes."

Holly came back with Dr. McNabb.  "Have a seat," Dr. McNabb gestured to a chair.

"I can't."  I kept pacing.

"What can I get for you?"

"Five Ativans."

"That's too much." McNabb responded.  "How about two?"

"Okay, but it won't be enough."

"I can order you two.  Do you want pills or a shot?"

"I don't care."

"You really don't care."

"No...a shot is quicker."

McNabb went away to do something about a prescription.

"Shall I call to see if I can find you a bed?"  Holly asked.

"Yes, but I hate going to the hospital."

"I know."  Holly made a phone call which consisted of yes, no, yes, yes.  "I've known her for three years."  More yeses.

I continued to pace.  I pretended to hit the wall.  I stabbed the furniture with an imaginary knife.  Time marched slowly.  Holly left to do something.  A man came and asked me if I wanted water.

Holly came back and asked if the phone had rung.  It had.  "Damn," she said.  "They are never that quick."

It turned out that St. Peter had no bed.  So, they would look in Tacoma.

I kept pacing, pounding my fists together one on top of the other.

The phone rang.  Tacoma was full.  Next stop, Overlake in Seattle.  "I don't want to go to Overlake."

"We may not have another option," Holly responded, "you may need to be hospitalized."

I shuddered and kept pacing  A man with a pill and water came in.  I took the two milligram pill with water and began watching the clock, pacing.

"Okay, there is a bed in Overlake."

"That is so far from home." I said still pacing, nearly punching the wall wishing for a better solution.  "I like my life. I don't want to go to the hospital. It's not like there's a 24 hour turnaround."

"No, it usually takes a few days.  Can you feel the medication?"  Holly asked.

"Not yet."  More pacing.  "I'd much rather be you in this scene than me."

Holly laughed. "I don't blame you. I'd rather be me too."

More pacing.  Holly asked, “Can I call Ronnie to see if she can take you to the hospital?”

“Yes, but I don’t want to go.”

Holly got Ronnie on the phone.  They talked.  Then, Holly handed the phone to me.  “How you doing, sweetheart?”

“I’m not safe.  I may have to go to the hospital.  Will you take me?”

“I can do that.”

“I might not have to go if you can stay with me and help me stay safe.”

“I’m not sure that’s good for us as a couple,” Ronnie said.  “If you can’t stay safe, you’ll need to go to the hospital.  Do you understand?”

“Yes,” I said.  “I know you’re right.”  A pause, “can you pick me up at 5?”

“I’ll be there as close to 5 as I can.”

“Thanks.  Holly needs to leave at 5.”  I hung up and kept pacing in Holly’s office.  

A new woman showed up. Holly said, "I need to see a patient for a few minutes.  Can you stay with Laura for a few minutes?"

"Yes," I followed Holly to Laura's office.  More time, more pacing.  

McNabb came in.  "How are you doing?  Would you like two more pills?"

"Yes," I said and didn't point out that four pills was not that far from the five I had originally asked for.

Then, Holly came back.  "You want to come back to my office?"

"Yes."

Back in Holly's office, "I'm beginning to feel it...to slow down."

The man came back with another two milligram pill and water.  In a few minutes, things began to really slow down, but I kept pacing.

"I feel better.  Maybe I won't have to go to the hospital."

"You have to be safe, and I have to believe you."  Holly responded.

I kept pacing, but I noticed it was slower.  

"We need to decide soon, because I need to fax the papers in."

"I know."  I kept pacing. It was nearing five o'clock.  "I think I am getting better."

"You don't have to decide yet," Holly commented.  I kept pacing but slower.

"I think I can go home."

"We'll wait for Ronnie."

A few more minutes and Ronnie came in.  I said, "We don't have to go to Overlake."

"Overlake?" She said, "I didn't know we were going to Overlake."

"Well, we're not.  I can go home."

"I thought I was just bringing you to St. Peter.  Not Overlake."

"It changed, but now I can go home."

"You feel safe?"  Holly asked.

"Yes."

"If something happens tonight, go to St. Peter's ER," Holly said.  "And, I want someone to see you here tomorrow.  I would see you, but I'm off tomorrow."

It had been three hours. "Okay," I said.  "I'll be here."  And I was.  And I am.  And I'm safe now.

* * * * * * *

I saw Holly the next week and thanked her for hanging with me.  She said, “I’m happy to do it if it helps you get through safely and keeps you out of the hospital.”

I was grateful.  I doubted such an opportunity would arise again.  Unfortunately, the state of my being unsafe happened again the next week.  This time, I went to Fairfax Psychiatric Hospital in Kirkland.  It was different experience with another story.  It will come later.

L’Chaim.

Joceile

2/1/13 and 12/1/18

[Picture of raised draw bridge over Cuyahoga River, Cleveland.]