I’m sitting here unable to walk very far looking out at the rain on the lake. If you came and asked me how I got here, I would say I didn’t know. Would that make things any more clearer to you than they are now?
If I said, “Oh, it went this way and that way. It was all very predictable.” Would that make you feel better?
Or just knowing that there is no rhyme or reason for why it went this way or that. The fact that I was standing on the corner over there instead of this one. How does that work for you?
It is just happenstance. The luck of the draw. My situation versus your situation.
There is an element of “luck” in there. At times, an element of extreme persistence. But, there are no guarantees with persistence. And, luck is just that: a lucky break.
My friend said to me recently, “That is the first lie they tell us. That if you work hard you will be rewarded.” The same is true of persistence. Sometimes, these things are rewarded. Often, they are not.
There is another element that I will call a “lucky touch” where things a particular person might put their hand to tend to work out right or well. There is no accounting for this. Two people might do the exact same steps but the outcome is different. A particular person might have nine things go right out of ten over their lifetime. When another similarly situated individual might only have two things go right out of ten time after time. This is what crushes individuals when most of what they touch does not work out.
I was reading about a technological phenomena that was called “tech karma.” In my house, I have the touch. My partner, Ronnie, tries to make a certain electronic gadget work. She knows the steps. Often she tries them several times before she asks me to step in. Many times, I do what she has been trying to do, and it works on the first try.
“WHAT DID YOU DO?” She asks me with a bit of accusation.
“I don’t know. I just touched it,” I respond with a guilty shrug. It is a laying on of hands. There’s no explanation for it.
This is part of the human condition. “Why did it work for him but not for me?” Often, there is a subtle or not so subtle social group privilege involved which is something that can be accounted for or not. Other times, there is no explanation. The switch worked when I touched it. It didn’t work for Ronnie. I’m not better, smarter, or more deserving. I am just lucky in that way.
I don’t believe in a higher power or a god. I am okay with the fact that believers take comfort in these things. I am not okay when they decide their belief is the only right one. I cannot believe that people on the other side of the world deserve what they get because they are not my skin color or born in my country or think the way I do.
In fact, I take comfort from wishing for good, protective things from the mountain, the sun, the moon, or the stars. I don’t believe it is really powerful in terms of my specific life. But, when I’m scared or sad, I hope it is powerful. However, I don’t believe I can control my destiny. I can only nudge it and continue to keep nudging it over and over.
When something good happens to me, I hate it when people say I deserve it. We all deserve good things. Even people I don’t like or don’t respect deserve good things. I just don’t want to be the one to give them those good things.
I don’t believe my lot in life is based on any of the religions I tried and failed, nor the fact that I don’t respect my parents, nor that I am gay and not straight, nor for any other one particular reason. Lots of people like me didn’t make it. I lucked out.
I had a wonderful friend who got a terminal cancer diagnosis. People told him it was so very terrible. He said, “No. I was just unlucky. Many times I have done stupid things. They just worked out because I was lucky. This time, I was just unlucky.”
I try to remember this when someone tells me their story. When I am sitting across the desk from someone at work, or pass someone who is homeless, or remember my friends who aren’t here any more, I know that the difference between them and me is just circumstance. I suspend judgment as much as I can. Yes, there may have been things they did that tipped the balance. We all make decisions that nudge our lives. Or, they might have just been unlucky or lucky as the case maybe.
As I sit here unable to walk any significant distance, I know I am lucky. I have gotten so much of what I wanted in life. Many things have worked out. But, on that walking thing, I’m just unlucky.
L’Chaim.
Joceile
4.16.18
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