Lately, my favorite explanation is, “I wasn’t my best self.” Other versions of it could be: I screwed up; I missed the mark; I could’a done better; I made a mistake.
It’s all in attempt to both own my mistake and give myself a break for being human. It could be a kind of grace that comes with long experience. It’s not in an effort to refuse accountability. Holding myself accountable is a premium value for me. Not beating myself up is a priority that took longer to develop.
Was I thoughtless? Was I impatient? Was I talking when I should’ve been listening? Was it bad judgment? Did I simply forget a commitment? It could have been any of these and more. My least favorite is a mistake that hangs with me for a long, long time. Those are the ones I try to learn from the most. Sometimes, I’m vilified in my own mind by the double bind life puts us in. No matter how good I do, it doesn’t last.
I’m always struggling in that place of wanting to do the best and allowing that being perfect isn’t possible or reasonable. It’s an art. The art of living a good life. Setting up goal posts with an undaunted eye and accepting that not all goals can be reached. It could be an act of humility and self love. Extending this to others is an outgrowth of this love. How could I give a break to others if I can’t give one to myself?
Today, I’m going to go out in the world. I may make a mistake. I’m certainly going to make one at some point. I won’t like it. I’ll be disappointed and annoyed that despite my good intentions I missed the mark. But I’m going to extend kindness to myself and work to extend it to everyone else. I won’t do it perfectly but I will keep trying. That is the greatest gift of life. That we keep hanging in there to swing again at the next ball that’s pitched. It may be a curve ball, a fast ball, or a down and in slider. As long as I keep swinging and the balls keep coming, I’ve got another chance.
Reporting from Life’s Front.
Joceile
5.20.23
[Picture: The lake with storm clouds on the horizon that may or may not arrive.]
