Old Age & Lesbian Sex

(It Ain’t Pretty)

In my age group, the agility of sex is ever more challenging.  In youth, I never considered senior sex. Now, I’m old, out, loud, and not so proud.  In youth, we didn’t need more than slippery stuff.  Planning for travel required only, “Did you pack the slippery stuff?” Woe to the partner who said, “I thought you were bringing it.”

We had only to be in the mood with a bit of privacy. Parked in a quiet corner in a cemetery? No problem. We were contortionists.  A little repetitive discomfort did not cause serious injury.

Sixty and beyond is a different matter.  We were doing good when an errant elbow to the head caused only, “Ouch!”

“I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay.”  

“Good, we can keep going?”

Our mantra became, “It's okay as long as nobody is knocked unconscious.”  (I’m typing this with eight fingers due to dominant hand thumb surgery.  You can imagine what it does to my dexterity in other areas.) 

We advanced to proper supportive pillow placement. Getting numb hands was okay as long as we could keep the movement going. Now, we fight cramping muscles and attend to our spinal alignment.  All this while focusing on orgasm.

“I can’t stay in this position.”

“What do you need?”

Later, I started fantasizing about specially designed senior sex furniture.  How does one hold their head in the proper position for muff diving?  My tongue wags freely but there are positioning issues.  I need an adjustable stool and an elevating bed with a “V” design for extended legs so I can get proper mouth placement in the crotch.  Or perhaps a sling design for my partner to gently descend into the right position and “Hold it!”  Or some kind of neck and back brace.  

Carpal tunnel, spinal stenosis, bone on bone joints.  Suddenly, sex is climbing in the alps without the proper climbing gear.  REI does not have equipment guidance for sex safety.  No floor specialists to make educated recommendations.

We thought water buoyancy would help. The hot tub water was warm but this created an additional distraction of keeping one of us from drowning.  

With everything on the same level, floor sex might have worked except that floors are hard (really, any surface is); there are still positioning issues; and if we’re both on the floor, who’s going to help us up?

Even cuddling is tricky.  All furniture is now the enemy, either too hard or too soft, in an aging Goldilocks hell.  When traveling, we don’t look for views or romantic walks.  We drill into furniture details. Lofts with ladders are out.  If we rent or borrow an RV, we need a bed we can roll into and out of.  We can no longer crawl.

You’d think with all our sleeping issues we’d have lots of time for sex.  Certainly, the reverse was true when we were young.  We could have sex all night and wake up only mildly tired.  Now, we have no sleep and no sex, and we’re exhausted.

The good news is we’re still madly in love. Now, we know we can go the distance.  We enjoy each other’s company and still make each other laugh so hard we pee.  So, you young people, work on your humor.  If you’re lucky enough to get old, you’re going to need it.

Joceile

12.19.21

The Four Legged Government

Our cat and dog buddies have a two party system of government at our house. Call them the Cat Party and the Dog Party. They have represented their parties for eight years now. It is fascinating to watch them negotiate treaties, organize trade agreements, and commit to mutual defense. Like any system of government, these things do not come easily. Gradually, by identifying mutual interests, war can be avoided. 

When Sheba came into the household, Scarlett was strongly positioned in the government with five years’ experience. Initially, Sheba did not recognize Scarlett’s well established occupational rights. Moreover, Scarlett did not understand her understated but mighty influence over the human providers. Fortunately for her, the human providers had a stake in keeping Scarlett in her exalted position. Think of the human providers as the Supreme Court. 

Negotiations began. It was the eight and a half pound kitty versus the eighty pound dog.  Reestablishing the balance of power required equalizing the playing field involving the dining room table for Scarlett and treats for Sheba. Think of it as the Civil Rights Act of 1964 or the Americans with Disabilities Act. (Don’t think of the Equal Rights Amendment which did not pass.)

Each evening, Scarlett was retrieved from hiding and taken to a new place at the table with wet food. On a down stay in the living room, Sheba was given a treat every time she looked away from Scarlett. This would have made Henry Kissinger proud. The negotiations were lengthy but ultimately resulted in Sheba allowing Scarlett to inhabit spaces she had learned to love. An unintended consequence of this government intervention is that Scarlett now has rights to the dining room table. A status heretofore unheard of. The Supreme Court is not impressed. 

[Scarlett’s found a box seat at the table. Photo by Ronnie]

Neither of them like loud noises or invading armies. In mutual defense, Scarlett runs to the under-the-bed bunker while Sheba sets off the rabid-dog-bark alarm. Soon after, government stabilizes. No one is ever surprised by a sneak attack. 

Competing interests in laps still cause a saber-rattling dance with each relying on their greatest strength in rapprochement. As a result of the impaired historical memory of the Dog Party, this is a nightly occurrence. The Dog Party thinks might-makes-right by protecting laps from any potential approach and subsequent occupation. The Cat Party relies on patience and stealth. 

The human providers developed subsidized assistance for the Dog Party. When the paws of the Cat Party reach the purple pillow on the lap, the Dog Party gets a treat. Watching the Dog Party’s failure to remember the previous night entertains both the Cat Party and the human providers. The Dog Party must choose between competing interests: protecting the lap she’s too big to make use of or getting the government subsidy. This attitude can be self-defeating.

The Cat Party’s intellectual abilities enable her to reference historical trends and utilize a predator’s patience. The Dog Party can’t hope to prevail but gives a valiant attempt night after night.  

[Scarlett on the purple pillow AND loving it.]

Recently, there’s been a twist. A second lap has been identified by the Cat Party as desirable. However, there are no government subsidies in effect for this lap. In an act of supreme generosity and strategic power demonstration, Scarlett goes to the purple pillow lap first so Sheba can get a treat on her way to the non-subsidized lap where she settles. The human providers are impressed and touched by the checks and balances in this governmental system. Not every action has to be a power grab. Resources can be shared.

One wonders. If the Cat Party and Dog Party can create a working system of government salvaged from historical animosity, shouldn’t humans be able to make a go of government by identifying mutual needs, strengths, and vulnerabilities to create systemic sustainability? Perhaps not. Four legged creatures are superior. It is undisputed. 

To Life. 

Joceile 

12.14.21

[Picture of Scarlett and Sheba waiting. Scarlett is waiting for evening wet food. Sheba is waiting because Scarlett is waiting. Sheba hasn’t a clue.]