I have a young friend that does not understand the importance of conflict. Actually, I believe a lot of people, young and old, do not understand conflict's role in everything life related.
First, a definition: Conflict is the state of competing agendas. Conflict can be the outcome of misunderstanding or misinterpreting what's been said to you. It is not inherently bad. It is like gravity. It just exists.
Conflict is often seen as something to avoid. Perhaps being an indicator of something wrong in a relationship. Rather, conflict is the smelly fertilizer that enriches our relationships. It is as common as dandelions trying to get a toe hold in a perfectly manicured lawn.
To me, one of the most frightening feelings resulting from conflict is anger. "I am angry at you for..." "You are angry at me for..." People fear that it can instigate violence and trigger memories of past violence.
People avoid conflict because they fear their own or another's anger. Because of my traumatic childhood, anger evokes a lot of fear for me. Raising your voice at me gets my attention instantly, and I freeze. I had to learn that a raised voice now isn't the same as a raised voice and a raised hand from my childhood.
To successfully explore relationships, business, and performance opportunities, it serves me to embrace conflict for the learning opportunity it is. Learning to effectively engage in conflict is one of the single most important things I can do to improve the quality of my life on all levels.
Conflict creates a tension between me and the other person. This tension is when we are present in the moment. It is where we have the most power to act.
Conflict allows an opportunity to look into more than one perspective of a relationship and grasp the essentials of what makes one side think or feel about things the way they do. It is easy to succeed when things are going well. It is far more telling how I react when things are going badly or when I've made a poor choice.
There is a tendency in this modern world to deal with conflict using the intractability of the written word either by email or text. Trying to put my feelings into these one way messages does not allow for the give and take of conflict. There is no opportunity to qualify what I am saying when I see a puzzled or angry look cross my talking partner's face.
I have missed many opportunities in my life, because I was busy avoiding conflict by not asking myself, "Why do I feel that way? What caused me to react that way? Is there something I should be asking of the other person?" Because I didn't ask myself those questions, I didn't follow up with the other person either.
In my love relationship, conflict is something I have never loved. I have never run with open arms to grasp and explore it. However, it is the part of what allows us to draw closer together to understand each other better.
When we were young and very much in love, we would work through conflict which was usually some type of misunderstanding all night until we reached resolution. Our idea was that there was a glass between us that we wanted to keep clear. If we let something lay on the glass without examining it, it would be a smudge on the glass. The smudge would collect other bits on the glass and continue to grow into some small hill and possibly a mountain.
Things left on the glass unexamined made it more and more difficult for us to see each other on the other side. The glass would grow dimmer. We would not be able to see the one we loved on the other side. My interpretation of my partner through this smudged glass would cause her to seem like someone other than my best friend, someone who was trying to make me different than I am. Someone who was my enemy trying to drag me through perspectives that I knew were wrong.
My deepening depression in our 19th year caused me to see less and less of who my partner really was and her desire to connect with me. As the glass grew dark, I could no longer see the woman I loved and instead saw someone who was trying to make me different and did not appreciate who I was. I began hiding inside myself, angry, frustrated, and withdrawn.
Fortunately, for me, after a perilous time, my depression began to recede. I was once again able to see the woman I had always loved but pushed away so hard when the conflict became frightening. I could once again see the love she had in her face for me.
After several years of hard work, the glass is clear once more. We see each other. When conflict arises, such as a misunderstanding or an action of thoughtlessness, we are now too old to stay up all night. Sometimes, the discomfort lasts for several days as we slowly work our way through it.
Resolving conflict can make relationships grow and support a system of balance. Every day the sun rises and sets. The night intervenes. This is conflict. Day versus night.
My young friend is uncomfortable with conflict. Thinking perhaps that it is a sign of something wrong with the relationship or that she has been wronged by another person. It is true that it needs to be addressed, talked through, and understood. It is not true that it needs to be avoided. The feelings do not go away.
To deepen a relationship is to seek to understand the other's perspective, to get to know what is inside of your friend, lover, or opposite. There is much to learn about another person if you ask questions to gently pull apart the conflict, dissect it, and understand it. "I reacted that way because I felt.... What was going on with you then?"
There are no streamlined methods for dealing with conflict. I have to start with how I felt and why I felt that way. I have to patiently listen to how the other person felt and why they felt that way. The seesaw goes back and forth. My turn, your turn, until there is understanding, followed by, hopefully, agreement. It does not always work this way, but this is the goal.
Nobody likes conflict. It is not fun to look inside yourself and admit to your own failings, pre-conceived notions, or baggage from hurts long ago. But, if I care for you and us, I will ask questions, I will face truth, and our glass will stay clear. I will ask. I will listen. That is the method of conflict.
Someday, those dandelions may grow on my grave. It will not be because I didn't face conflict even when I was most scared, angry, and uncomfortable. It will simply be that nature had the last say which is life in balance.
10.22.16
Sunday, October 23, 2016
Monday, October 17, 2016
Just Call Me "Wheels" For Now
Recently, my fortunes changed, and I found myself having to use a wheelchair to get around. This is not my first time finding this to be true. Although, I fervently wish it would be my last time. A coworker asked if she could call me “Wheels.” You bet. I’m good with that.
The deal about using a wheelchair is that it humbles me. I cannot hide my disability from anyone who sees me. I have to take on verbalizing my needs. It may not be true for everyone but sometimes I need a push or a door held open for me. Often, I have to ask for help, because people simply don't know what I need unless I tell them. This dynamic is okay but it's humbling.
I also get to learn about the little details of accessibility in my office building. Please don't take this as a complaint but rather a recitation of the facts--some of which are humorous. For example, I park in the garage at my building. But, I work on the second floor. The most direct route to get from car to cubicle is as follows: park on garage level D; elevator to floor 3; plaza level to bridge to third floor of building (did you know that the plaza bridge is tilted slightly upward coming in?); elevator to floor 2; and in wing door to cubicle. Whew!
This works fine unless it's raining. Quick rundown of that path from floor 2: elevator to first floor; through Accounting to ramp to garage floor E; elevator to garage level D; and over to car. Whew, again!
Then, there are interesting disability access door buttons. The lobby has the best one: swipe badge, hit button, door opens to elevator area, and roll in. For this one, I don't even have to wait around for the door to close to prevent tailgating, because the receptionist is right there watching. Sometimes, she even hits the button for me.
Entering from the plaza on floor 3 is interesting. Swipe card, move six feet back to hit accessibility button, move six feet forward to catch opening door. Do not dillydally during this process or you will have to repeat it.
Then, there's my personal favorite--the second floor restroom and my wing door at 2E. We do not have accessibility buttons for every wing door. So, it can make for some quirky confusion. If I swipe and hit the button at 2E, it opens the door to the restroom and not the wing door. Oops. Sorry, ladies, I'm not actually coming in there right now.
Between the Washington State Law Against Discrimination (enacted long before the Americans with Disabilities a Act) and the ADA, we are very lucky to have such a wealth of accessibility options. I am very appreciative and grateful. As is true with many things though, there's just always one more thing. As Roseanne Roseannadanna said, "It's always something."
I hope you have a good Disability Employment Awareness Month. As always, if you have questions, please, just ask me. I really don't mind.
October 2015
Saturday, October 8, 2016
Bring It On
I returned from vacation a couple weeks ago. The Sunday before returning to work, I was a little down because pain and difficulty walking were still omnipresent. I thought I would get a head start on my emails before Monday morning. About the fifth one in, I opened an email that said, "on behalf of the Governor's Committee on Disability Issues and Employment...You have been nominated for the 2016 Employment Support Professional of the Year Award."
I couldn't believe what I was reading. I read it to my partner, "Does this actually say what I think it says?" I texted my team asking, "Do you know anything about this?" I got responses back like, "Yeah, well, maybe, I knew about it." Apparently, my Human Resource Division coworkers had been working behind my back since last July nominating me for this exceptional award.
Not only did I have the honor of being nominated for this award, the whole of the Department of Licensing (DOL) as an agency was nominated for 2016 Employer of the Year. (For those who don't know, DOL won 2015 Public Employer of the Year.) I felt excited and humbled by having this opportunity to receive acknowledgement by my peers in the statewide disability accommodation network.
I've watched enough Academy Awards to know it is foolish to not come prepared no matter how unlikely the award. So, I wrote a just in case speech as I didn't want to be the person with no words. In fact, I recorded myself and listened to it over and over in my car to get the right pacing and voice inflection. I knew it might be silly, but I wanted to be prepared...just in case.
From DOL, Laurie Milligan, Betsy Vandrush-Borgacz, Tod Ayers, and I attended at the Microsoft campus in Redmond. My family was also there. They fed us a nice breakfast. There were great people to meet and share stories. At our table was a couple from Vancouver who had a coffee roasting wholesale and retail business who hired disabled employees. They were located between the School for the Deaf and the School for the Blind in Vancouver. It was fun. We were ready to party.
There were sixteen of us nominated for my award. All of us are the best in our business. Our names were in the program and our pictures flashed in a queue on the wall. At the appointed time, our names were read individually along with some part of our accomplishments. One by one, we came to the stage, were given a certificate signed by Governor Inslee, and had our picture taken with the chair of the Governor's committee. We then lined up and awaited the announcement of the winner.
I had decided earlier in the week that just being nominated was an award and that anyone who had done more than I certainly deserved my support. Finally, they announced the winner. It was not I. However, I felt I was in extraordinary company. The winner spoke only briefly. They took a group picture, and we filed back to our tables.
My partner, daughter, and brother were there with me. My daughter, who is a performance artist, had heard my just in case speech the week before. She had said, "If you get close to that microphone, grab it. Don't let it go and give your speech." Sadly, I was not close to the microphone.
The ceremony was long. DOL had been nominated as an agency, and our group waited pensively. There were 42 nominated employers. Each with a story. We applauded politely. A Walmart was nominated for hiring several Deaf employees which was glorious. However, their other employees volunteered to take sign language classes on their own time and out of their own money. We raised our eyebrows. Surely, Walmart could pay their employees to learn sign language and provide the training? That is what DOL is doing.
The ceremony worked it's way through various levels of employers including small, medium, large, private, non-profit, public, and youth employer. Everyone came up, got a certificate, and had their picture taken.
Betsy suggested that if we won, she, Laurie, and I should go to the podium. Tod would take pictures. With a little fanfare, the award recipients were announced one by one and given an opportunity to speak. Finally, the level that we thought DOL might get came up. A different agency got the award. Betsy sent me a little pouty face. We were disappointed but still thrilled to be in contention.
Then, they announced an award that was not on the program. It was for 2016 Employer of the Year which transcended all other employers in the state of Washington. Suddenly, the powerpoint on the wall said, "Department of Licensing." I looked at Laurie. We couldn't believe it. The three of us went up to the podium. We didn't have a plan of who would speak. Laurie gestured to Betsy. Betsy said some words about DIG, our Diversity and Inclusion Group.
Then, they took our pictures. I looked longingly at the mic. I heard my daughter's words, "If you get close to that microphone, grab it!" I fumbled in my back pocket for my speech. Before we left the podium, I said I had something to say. I grabbed the mic, brought it to my mouth, holding my cane and my paper, and spoke the most important part of my just in case speech:
"I have two takeaways to share with you.
First, disability comes in an astonishing number of ways, many of which are unseen. All of us will at some point have some form of permanent or temporary disability during our lifetimes.
According to NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, 25% of adults in this country experience mental illness in a given year.
From the 24 year old who suffers from severe depression and can only work part time to the 50 year old Veteran with PTSD who's managed on their own for many years who finally says, "I need help."
The question is: Are we going to treat others how we will want to be treated when it's our turn? Will we be willing to have the uncomfortable discussions? I want to know someone will be there for you and you and you and you and me.
Second. I have been in this business for over 35 years. I can tell you what makes reasonable accommodation viable in employment. It takes commitment and passion at all levels of an organization.
From a governor who says hiring employees with disabilities is a priority and follows up with: "I'm watching. Do it and Show me the numbers." All the way down to a coworker who says, "I don't understand but I can still support my coworker."
This has created a culture in my agency where if a job applicant or employee needs an accommodation, we don't say, 'Oh my gosh, how are we going to work around this?'
Instead we say, 'This is a learning opportunity. We're hungry for learning by doing. BRING IT ON.'
Without this attitude, Nothing changes. We ALL want this change. We need to support people in making it happen and hold them accountable. Going forward I say, 'This can only get better. Bring It On!'
Thank you."
The crowd burst into applause. As I walked back to the table, a woman who uses a wheelchair darted out, gesturing at my paper, and said, "Can I have a copy of that?" I gave it to her. It was the end of the ceremony. People came to me and said, 'That's what we wanted to hear.' One woman said, 'I actually got teary.' Betsy told me that people came up to her and said we need a new hashtag: #BringItOn.
My partner video taped most of my speech. It was a grand moment. I knew my daughter was so right. When you have something important to say and have an opportunity, grab the mic. You never know when the opportunity will come around again. Bring It On.
Joceile Moore
10/8/2016
YouTube of Bring It On:
Link under picture
https://youtu.be/bY5lBdUPzK4
I couldn't believe what I was reading. I read it to my partner, "Does this actually say what I think it says?" I texted my team asking, "Do you know anything about this?" I got responses back like, "Yeah, well, maybe, I knew about it." Apparently, my Human Resource Division coworkers had been working behind my back since last July nominating me for this exceptional award.
Not only did I have the honor of being nominated for this award, the whole of the Department of Licensing (DOL) as an agency was nominated for 2016 Employer of the Year. (For those who don't know, DOL won 2015 Public Employer of the Year.) I felt excited and humbled by having this opportunity to receive acknowledgement by my peers in the statewide disability accommodation network.
I've watched enough Academy Awards to know it is foolish to not come prepared no matter how unlikely the award. So, I wrote a just in case speech as I didn't want to be the person with no words. In fact, I recorded myself and listened to it over and over in my car to get the right pacing and voice inflection. I knew it might be silly, but I wanted to be prepared...just in case.
From DOL, Laurie Milligan, Betsy Vandrush-Borgacz, Tod Ayers, and I attended at the Microsoft campus in Redmond. My family was also there. They fed us a nice breakfast. There were great people to meet and share stories. At our table was a couple from Vancouver who had a coffee roasting wholesale and retail business who hired disabled employees. They were located between the School for the Deaf and the School for the Blind in Vancouver. It was fun. We were ready to party.
There were sixteen of us nominated for my award. All of us are the best in our business. Our names were in the program and our pictures flashed in a queue on the wall. At the appointed time, our names were read individually along with some part of our accomplishments. One by one, we came to the stage, were given a certificate signed by Governor Inslee, and had our picture taken with the chair of the Governor's committee. We then lined up and awaited the announcement of the winner.
I had decided earlier in the week that just being nominated was an award and that anyone who had done more than I certainly deserved my support. Finally, they announced the winner. It was not I. However, I felt I was in extraordinary company. The winner spoke only briefly. They took a group picture, and we filed back to our tables.
My partner, daughter, and brother were there with me. My daughter, who is a performance artist, had heard my just in case speech the week before. She had said, "If you get close to that microphone, grab it. Don't let it go and give your speech." Sadly, I was not close to the microphone.
The ceremony was long. DOL had been nominated as an agency, and our group waited pensively. There were 42 nominated employers. Each with a story. We applauded politely. A Walmart was nominated for hiring several Deaf employees which was glorious. However, their other employees volunteered to take sign language classes on their own time and out of their own money. We raised our eyebrows. Surely, Walmart could pay their employees to learn sign language and provide the training? That is what DOL is doing.
The ceremony worked it's way through various levels of employers including small, medium, large, private, non-profit, public, and youth employer. Everyone came up, got a certificate, and had their picture taken.
Betsy suggested that if we won, she, Laurie, and I should go to the podium. Tod would take pictures. With a little fanfare, the award recipients were announced one by one and given an opportunity to speak. Finally, the level that we thought DOL might get came up. A different agency got the award. Betsy sent me a little pouty face. We were disappointed but still thrilled to be in contention.
Then, they announced an award that was not on the program. It was for 2016 Employer of the Year which transcended all other employers in the state of Washington. Suddenly, the powerpoint on the wall said, "Department of Licensing." I looked at Laurie. We couldn't believe it. The three of us went up to the podium. We didn't have a plan of who would speak. Laurie gestured to Betsy. Betsy said some words about DIG, our Diversity and Inclusion Group.
Then, they took our pictures. I looked longingly at the mic. I heard my daughter's words, "If you get close to that microphone, grab it!" I fumbled in my back pocket for my speech. Before we left the podium, I said I had something to say. I grabbed the mic, brought it to my mouth, holding my cane and my paper, and spoke the most important part of my just in case speech:
"I have two takeaways to share with you.
First, disability comes in an astonishing number of ways, many of which are unseen. All of us will at some point have some form of permanent or temporary disability during our lifetimes.
According to NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, 25% of adults in this country experience mental illness in a given year.
From the 24 year old who suffers from severe depression and can only work part time to the 50 year old Veteran with PTSD who's managed on their own for many years who finally says, "I need help."
The question is: Are we going to treat others how we will want to be treated when it's our turn? Will we be willing to have the uncomfortable discussions? I want to know someone will be there for you and you and you and you and me.
Second. I have been in this business for over 35 years. I can tell you what makes reasonable accommodation viable in employment. It takes commitment and passion at all levels of an organization.
From a governor who says hiring employees with disabilities is a priority and follows up with: "I'm watching. Do it and Show me the numbers." All the way down to a coworker who says, "I don't understand but I can still support my coworker."
This has created a culture in my agency where if a job applicant or employee needs an accommodation, we don't say, 'Oh my gosh, how are we going to work around this?'
Instead we say, 'This is a learning opportunity. We're hungry for learning by doing. BRING IT ON.'
Without this attitude, Nothing changes. We ALL want this change. We need to support people in making it happen and hold them accountable. Going forward I say, 'This can only get better. Bring It On!'
Thank you."
The crowd burst into applause. As I walked back to the table, a woman who uses a wheelchair darted out, gesturing at my paper, and said, "Can I have a copy of that?" I gave it to her. It was the end of the ceremony. People came to me and said, 'That's what we wanted to hear.' One woman said, 'I actually got teary.' Betsy told me that people came up to her and said we need a new hashtag: #BringItOn.
My partner video taped most of my speech. It was a grand moment. I knew my daughter was so right. When you have something important to say and have an opportunity, grab the mic. You never know when the opportunity will come around again. Bring It On.
Joceile Moore
10/8/2016
YouTube of Bring It On:
Link under picture
https://youtu.be/bY5lBdUPzK4
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