When going to sleep, it’s always a race to see who will win, exhaustion or body pain. Sleep is the finish line. Body pain is the great disrupter. Unfortunately body pain is tonight’s winner. I give it about 30 minutes of relaxing and meditating before I call it and get up. When body pain wins, it could be a long time before sleep crosses the finish line.
I use methodology of all sorts to give sleep an edge. Sleep tools like timing, a magnesium supplement, preparation, positioning, proper pillow placement, and pain management. That’s a lot of P’s. Despite this, the odds of pain winning are seven to three. I’m not a gambler but I don’t think these are good odds. And there’s a wild card here. My mind.
“Don’t think!”
“Do not examine historical facts about my greatest life mistakes, what I did wrong today, or how I missed the mark last year.”
When going to the bathroom at four in the morning, I instruct, “Don’t think! Keep focusing on the pleasant dream you just had.” Using my best hypnotist voice, I say, “Remember the dream…remember the dream,” in hopes of protecting my dear friend Sleep.
When gently entering sleep heaven, “Imagine floating in water, gently up and down, up and down. No! Stop thinking about boat repairs! Just up and down, up and down…”
Or, “Breathe deeply, expanding your belly. Feel your body filling with oxygen. Send it to all parts. Exhale slowly, slowly. Repeat, inhale, expand, exhale slowly.” I talk to myself in second person, “Breathe in through your nose, out through your mouth, gently, quietly. No, don’t think about what that skin growth is! You’ll see the doctor next month. Keep breathing in, out, in, out…”
Or, “I don’t know why my back hurts laying here. Don’t ask. We don’t know. That’s for the doctor visit in two months. Yes, I know it’s uncomfortable. Keep thinking about the beauty of tall, full trees with their deep roots stretching into the earth and branches reaching for the sky... Be a tree, feel your body grounding and your mind stretching up for dreamy sleep...”
On and on it goes. Yes, I meditate. Yes, I keep moving. Yes, I’ve seen a chiropractor, massage therapist, physical therapist, acupuncturist, had steroid injections, met with the orthopedist, neurologist, naturopath, had group therapy with mindfulness exercises, kept a pain log, listened to relaxing nature sounds… There’s always more I can do. The deal with some pain is that I have to learn to live with it well. Sadly, I don’t have an owner’s manual to explain what I need.
“Did you check the positive crankcase ventilation filter at 25,000 miles?” Head smack, “That’s it!”
No, it doesn’t work that way. Doctor Google is also a failure. “No, I don’t have a herniated, slipped disc requiring reconstructive surgery on the left metatarsal at levels six and seven. Nor do I have Lyme disease or an obscure genetic reaction to a medication my grandmother took 80 years ago. No, no, no. It’s just Life.” As Klinger said in M*A*S*H, “This is not going to be a piece of baklava.” Living is hard work, confusing work, mysterious and confounding work. My challenges are reminiscent but not the same as any other living being. There are too many complicating factors from a zillion different experiences and interactions. Even if I somehow managed to physically look like another person (and god help them if they still have a mullet), my unique constellation of life experiences and physical and mental reactions to these experiences would ensure we were nothing alike. How can anyone adequately prepare for this kind of unchecked chaos? It’s an outrageous design.
After a fretful sleep last night and a very busy day, I did manage to gently fall asleep shortly after 9:30 this evening but I woke up at 11 and thought I should start the dishwasher, pill the dog, brush my teeth, and put on sleep clothes (don’t even ask). This was my undoing. By the time I got settled back into a sleeping position, the momentum was lost. Now I’m writing this whole pathetic constellation of a life well lived and the distress therein. After that, there’s always my favorite comedy movies and actors. Peter Sellers in the Pink Panther, Monty Python’s Life of Brian, Whoopi Goldberg in Jumpin’ Jack Flash, Zero Mostel in The Producers or A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum, or something more contemporary. It turns out humor is a great balm for pain from any source. Thank you Captain Benjamin Franklin “Hawkeye” Pierce.
Reporting from Life’s front.
Joceile
7.10.23
[Picture: Thunder clouds at sunset on the lake.]
