The hurting, often constant when I’m not distracted, drives me to write. To express my frustration and alarm without actually screaming. Is it good to have such a keen motivator? I wish it didn’t have to be this way. I have always been motivated by pain of one sort or another since I was a very small child. It’s not the life I would have wanted but I have no option but to just deal...and write.
Many, many years ago when I was in my twenties and I knew even less about the human condition than I know now, I was eating in Denny’s with a friend. When my friend went to the restroom, I noticed a man and woman sitting at the next table. They were a fair bit older than I and talking together. I saw pain register repeatedly on the woman’s face. It appeared to be physical pain. They kept talking and eating with the pain appearing to never let up for the woman.
When my friend returned, I pointed out the couple to my friend. “How can he just sit there and talk to her when she’s obviously in so much pain?” It was confusing to me. I have never forgotten it. Now, I know that you can’t let pain stop you from doing things. It could be that the couple was used to the woman’s state of pain. I’ll never know. But, it made an unforgettable impression on me.
Whenever my physical pain catches me unaware and I know it shows on my face, I quickly look at the person I’m talking with to see if they noticed. If they have, I give a brief little smile with raised eyebrows and a quick shake of my head to let them know it’s not worth remarking on or disrupting the conversation. Part of me thinks I might now know what was going on with that woman. I’m certainly clear on what’s going on with me.
Pain has pushed me to chase my mental health. Pain has pushed me to go to work so stubbornly. Pain has made me do things that I might otherwise be too scared to do. It’s not my lot in life to sail through the trials without being highly motivated by pain. What a weird way to live and eventually succeed in life. This wasn’t the outcome I was hoping for.
I’m sorry to say that in some brief moments of pain ending it all seems like an obvious choice. But, I refuse to entertain that path causing it to only briefly flicker across my consciousness. It would transfer all my pain to those I love. This would not be an act of love nor an exchange I am willing to make. I will die exactly when I’m supposed to and not a minute before. It’s a comforting thought and also unyielding.
I have died many times in my dreams. My thought is always, “Ah, so this is how it happens.” I am interested in the big mystery of when and how it occurs. I feel patient for it to arrive exactly when it is supposed to. No sooner and no later.
I don’t know that I believe it is preordained but rather just as all things come—exactly when they do. It gives me an odd sort of patience. Everything happens eventually. “Be patient,” I tell myself. “There is no hurry.”
I think this way about many more things than my pain and death. My partner’s eventual death. The outcomes of my daughter’s life. My dog’s passing. I see changes in my yard, my work, my country, my earth. Things happen. The world continues to move. I cannot stop it nor control the movement. I can only nudge it in the direction I want and wait...for what’s next and adapt.
In pain and depression management, one therapeutic direction is to “just notice.” It’s not a requirement to act or respond despite the fact that my fight or flight instincts are screaming at me to Do Something. “Just notice” also comes up in our dog training when our dog is over threshold and her fight or flight instinct is engaged. “Yes, we see that person. We’re safe. Just look at that,” followed with a treat.
At work, I am patient in observing what I need or want to learn. I don’t have to ask what I’m not supposed to know. In the stillness of my watching, I learn things. People communicate so much more by their behavior than by what they actually say.
I’m aware that there’s far more going on than I can ever hope to understand in the world and in the universe. I can only do my best, be patient, and wait. Everything happens eventually. I don’t always know what that means but that’s what I feel.
I hear myself say, “Wait for it.” The rest is out of my control. I watch, act, listen, and wait. It all happens eventually.
L’Chaim.
Joceile
5.15.19
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