Surviving Bureaucratic Employment: Secrets of a Four Decade State Worker

• Identify who you need on your side.  Know on which side your bread is buttered.  
• Never offend the receptionist or clerical folks. They can make your life a living hell. 
• Always treat kindly those who provide you a service.  You may need that service again.
• Never refuse a request, order, or directive by your supervisor, manager, administrator, deputy assistant director, assistant director, or agency director. 
• Prioritize projects by the management team noted above before all others.  They do your evaluations and assignments.
• Be aware that anyone can become your supervisor one day when you least expect or want it. 
• Don't burn bridges. You may need them to beat a hasty retreat one day. 
• Never send an email containing something you wouldn't want to see on the front page of the paper. 
• Never do anything you don't want to explain on the witness stand. 
• Never leave a voicemail that you don’t want shared.
• Follow the chain of command or the chain will be wrapped around your neck. 
• Never steal anything especially funds. The audits will get you if a coworker doesn’t. 
• If you lie about something and there’s no evidence, don't come clean. It makes it worse.  Don’t make this a habit.
• Conversely, if there's evidence, admit your misremembering quickly. 
• Don't lie. It's too hard to remember what you lied about. 
• Be willing to apologize right away if you screw up.  It makes it look like you are taking responsibility. 
• Don't spread gossip.  Know that people talk and most can’t can keep a secret to save their lives. 
• Keep track of where people get their information, because they are conveying your information by the same route.
• If you want to share something but feel the need to say, “Don’t tell anyone.”  Stop.  Everyone uses that line.  No one can follow it.
• Treat crucial information on a need to know basis.  Never flaunt your knowledge.  It makes you look untrustworthy.
• If you don’t ever want something known, tell no one. I mean, no one!
• Don’t say you give 110%.  It doesn’t exist.  People can only give 100%.
• Proof your work. Mistakes happen. Don’t contribute to them.
• Don’t say you do an excellent job.  If your performance is excellent, it will speak for itself.
• Pay as much attention to what people don’t say as to what they do say.  There’s volumes of information in what’s unsaid.
• Everyone makes mistakes.  Admit it, own it, and move on.  Don’t belabor your mistakes.  They happen to everyone.
• Relationships matter.  All of them.  Customers, coworkers, and managers see what you do and how you do it—always.
• If you dislike someone, don’t let them know.  They’ll never forget it.
• If someone is talking too much, politely excuse yourself to use the restroom.  No one holds that against you.
• Schedule meetings for the least amount of time.  People naturally expand their talking to fit the allotted time.
• Never meet force with force. Take the force directed at you, grab it, and move it in the direction you want it to go.
• Don’t wait for someone else to take charge.  Step up and keep things moving.
• Volunteer wisely.  Take the first easy offer quickly.  It gives the impression you are a team player and will pitch in.  You’ll be able to rotate out first.
• Trouble communicating? Shut up and listen. There’s no better way to discover what’s needed.
• If you have memory problems, never answer a question without checking the file.  It makes you look thorough.
• If you can’t pronounce a word, find another one to do the job.  You don’t want folks thinking you aren’t smart whether you are or not.
• Treat feedback as a recipe for success.  Use it, follow it, and improve from it.
• Don’t make excuses for being late.  Don’t be late.
• When you are sick, call in and simply say you are too sick to come to work.  Your supervisor does not want nor need the details.
• If you find yourself making excuses, re-examine your behavior.  Is this how you want to come across?
• If someone says something mind bogglingly stupid, respond by asking them to explain their thinking.  Don’t tell them it’s mind bogglingly stupid.
• Your reputation is your most important currency.  Spend it wisely.
• Never use your reputation to get someone a job.  They may not hold up their end of the bargain.
• Know your limits and follow them. 
• Stay in your lane!
• Never take a job based on money. You’ll spend a lot of time doing the job. Money doesn't make up for that. 
• Be content with being lower on the totem pole. Those higher up aren’t having a good time either.
• Make your own joy. You’re only limited by your imagination.
• You will always have a boss. Getting to the top doesn't negate that. 
• If you have an issue with your boss, talk to them about it. Don't go over their head. If they weren't interested in hearing it from you, they sure as hell won't like hearing it from their boss. 
• Handling Micro-Managers: Drown them in information, copy them on everything including every email response, letter drafted, report written, accepted meeting, work hours, and arrival/departure times. Don’t make a move without including them until they beg for mercy.  People fail with micro-managers because they fight the sharing of information instead of using it to their advantage.
• There’s nothing wrong with tilting at windmills. But choose them wisely. Pushing bedrock wastes energy.
• Never give bad news or schedule a meeting to give bad news on a Friday. People will worry and get wrapped around the axle with no one to talk to until Monday. It will make things worse.
• When negotiating a solution to a problem, make your pitch on what’s in it for the other party. Self interest is a powerful motivator.
• Always under promise and over deliver. Accountability is what builds your reputation.
• If you are going to file a lawsuit or discrimination complaint against your employer, find another job first. No organization you file against will ever have your back or trust you no matter what they say. 
• If offered money to settle a dispute, bump it up 20% and take the money and run.  You can never go back. 
• Treat everyone how they want to be treated. There's no substitute for success. 
• Dress like you respect yourself. If you don't respect you, nobody else will.
• In the age of video work activities, do not swear, scream, or go to the bathroom without checking, double checking, and triple checking that your camera and mic are off. 
• Cultivate a poker face so others don't know what you are thinking unless you want them to.
• We all need to laugh. Be the comedian but never at the expense of others. Self-deprecating humor is a useful tool. It encourages people to smile when they see you coming—and remember you.
• As long as you designate yourself as the Self-Appointed Morale Officer, you can support people at any level by telling the truth with kindness.
• Remember, the only difference between you and those you serve is luck. You are not superior. 
• Break these rules only with great deliberation.  Don’t be a fool.  Don’t be hasty.  Don’t be predictable.  Don’t leave evidence.  Don’t think you can beat the system.

Author withholding name until retirement date

8.31.17

[Picture of anonymous author with grey hair in blue and white checkered shirt with folded bandana over lower half of face.]