I have a young friend that does not understand the importance of conflict. Actually, I believe a lot of people, young and old, do not understand conflict's role in everything life related.
First, a definition: Conflict is the state of competing agendas. Conflict can be the outcome of misunderstanding or misinterpreting what's been said to you. It is not inherently bad. It is like gravity. It just exists.
Conflict is often seen as something to avoid. Perhaps being an indicator of something wrong in a relationship. Rather, conflict is the smelly fertilizer that enriches our relationships. It is as common as dandelions trying to get a toe hold in a perfectly manicured lawn.
To me, one of the most frightening feelings resulting from conflict is anger. "I am angry at you for..." "You are angry at me for..." People fear that it can instigate violence and trigger memories of past violence.
People avoid conflict because they fear their own or another's anger. Because of my traumatic childhood, anger evokes a lot of fear for me. Raising your voice at me gets my attention instantly, and I freeze. I had to learn that a raised voice now isn't the same as a raised voice and a raised hand from my childhood.
To successfully explore relationships, business, and performance opportunities, it serves me to embrace conflict for the learning opportunity it is. Learning to effectively engage in conflict is one of the single most important things I can do to improve the quality of my life on all levels.
Conflict creates a tension between me and the other person. This tension is when we are present in the moment. It is where we have the most power to act.
Conflict allows an opportunity to look into more than one perspective of a relationship and grasp the essentials of what makes one side think or feel about things the way they do. It is easy to succeed when things are going well. It is far more telling how I react when things are going badly or when I've made a poor choice.
There is a tendency in this modern world to deal with conflict using the intractability of the written word either by email or text. Trying to put my feelings into these one way messages does not allow for the give and take of conflict. There is no opportunity to qualify what I am saying when I see a puzzled or angry look cross my talking partner's face.
I have missed many opportunities in my life, because I was busy avoiding conflict by not asking myself, "Why do I feel that way? What caused me to react that way? Is there something I should be asking of the other person?" Because I didn't ask myself those questions, I didn't follow up with the other person either.
In my love relationship, conflict is something I have never loved. I have never run with open arms to grasp and explore it. However, it is the part of what allows us to draw closer together to understand each other better.
When we were young and very much in love, we would work through conflict which was usually some type of misunderstanding all night until we reached resolution. Our idea was that there was a glass between us that we wanted to keep clear. If we let something lay on the glass without examining it, it would be a smudge on the glass. The smudge would collect other bits on the glass and continue to grow into some small hill and possibly a mountain.
Things left on the glass unexamined made it more and more difficult for us to see each other on the other side. The glass would grow dimmer. We would not be able to see the one we loved on the other side. My interpretation of my partner through this smudged glass would cause her to seem like someone other than my best friend, someone who was trying to make me different than I am. Someone who was my enemy trying to drag me through perspectives that I knew were wrong.
My deepening depression in our 19th year caused me to see less and less of who my partner really was and her desire to connect with me. As the glass grew dark, I could no longer see the woman I loved and instead saw someone who was trying to make me different and did not appreciate who I was. I began hiding inside myself, angry, frustrated, and withdrawn.
Fortunately, for me, after a perilous time, my depression began to recede. I was once again able to see the woman I had always loved but pushed away so hard when the conflict became frightening. I could once again see the love she had in her face for me.
After several years of hard work, the glass is clear once more. We see each other. When conflict arises, such as a misunderstanding or an action of thoughtlessness, we are now too old to stay up all night. Sometimes, the discomfort lasts for several days as we slowly work our way through it.
Resolving conflict can make relationships grow and support a system of balance. Every day the sun rises and sets. The night intervenes. This is conflict. Day versus night.
My young friend is uncomfortable with conflict. Thinking perhaps that it is a sign of something wrong with the relationship or that she has been wronged by another person. It is true that it needs to be addressed, talked through, and understood. It is not true that it needs to be avoided. The feelings do not go away.
To deepen a relationship is to seek to understand the other's perspective, to get to know what is inside of your friend, lover, or opposite. There is much to learn about another person if you ask questions to gently pull apart the conflict, dissect it, and understand it. "I reacted that way because I felt.... What was going on with you then?"
There are no streamlined methods for dealing with conflict. I have to start with how I felt and why I felt that way. I have to patiently listen to how the other person felt and why they felt that way. The seesaw goes back and forth. My turn, your turn, until there is understanding, followed by, hopefully, agreement. It does not always work this way, but this is the goal.
Nobody likes conflict. It is not fun to look inside yourself and admit to your own failings, pre-conceived notions, or baggage from hurts long ago. But, if I care for you and us, I will ask questions, I will face truth, and our glass will stay clear. I will ask. I will listen. That is the method of conflict.
Someday, those dandelions may grow on my grave. It will not be because I didn't face conflict even when I was most scared, angry, and uncomfortable. It will simply be that nature had the last say which is life in balance.
10.22.16
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