Everything and Nothing

Why do I think a thing and many times hear this internal response, “It’s everything and nothing”?  There are two voices in my mind.  I recognize both of them as mine.  This is a good thing because much of my life I had voices in my head that weren’t mine…if you follow my drift.  Anyway, when I hear it, it feels so right.

It maybe this stage in my life at 64.  I’m not sure.  I think for all the things we humans think are “oh so very important” they are everything.  As bombs rain down, as houses burn, and children die, as I age, I see that things and even my life are nothing…ultimately.  Is a thing that can be taken away so easily meaningless on the grander scale?

I am fascinated by old or ancient things like castles, Roman ruins, or those awe inspiring things that are identified as 4000 years or more old.  I’m interested in Anthropology and Geology though I am no scientist.  Those things built by humans were so very important to either the rich or the poor that built them.  Yet those all important activities did not last.  I look at ancient ruins with apartment type housing and try to imagine the people living there.  Their lives as important to them as mine to me and now they are dust.  In terms of human longevity, there is nothing but stones of magnificence, pottery shards, and bones.

There are what are called “Bog People.”  Complete bodies are preserved including their last meal.  It’s quite the scientific industry to determine why specific individuals landed in peat bogs and their lifestyles before death.  I’ve seen pictures where they look like they are sleeping. A few have been dated to be as old as 8000 BCE. In one picture, I see a man who has the face of someone I could know. His life was important to him several thousand years ago. Now to him, it is nothing. He’s incredible to scientists. Most of us don’t get that type of notoriety. This is why people believe in deities, to transition between everything and nothing, and transform it to Nothing and Everything. Adjusting to the temporal state of our lives and most of which we hold dear is tough. If I could make myself believe in a god, I would.  I’ve tried several times but no go. 

There are material things I’ve cared about that were wrecked by another’s inattention; special items stolen; things ruined; or a mean act by another. Occasionally, I catch myself having angst about one of them. I give myself a mental shake, “They’re long dead now anyway. There’s nothing to fix.”

“Good point.”

Or if I get really jazzed about something that’s over and done with, the deep voice says, “Steady.” The get-a-grip reminder is helpful. In a 100 or 1000 years, it will mean nothing. I see refugees fleeing from war with a suitcase and coat or a pillow case of belongings. Their homes and stuff they once cared for are gone. They’re hoping to get out with their lives. I remind myself of the transitory-ness of things. “Don’t waste energy on things, Joceile! They count for nothing.” 

I’ve talked to a couple of dying people with the oddest perspectives. One friend was happy that hospice provided her meds for free even when she had money in the bank. She was in hospice for god’s sake! One very, very ill man with nothing to live on was worried about withdrawing money from savings saying, “I don’t want to take money out of my 401K because I’ll take a hit [in interest].”

Exasperated, I said, “You’ve already taken the hit. You’ve been hit by the proverbial truck. This is the catastrophe it’s there for. You need money now. You can’t wait until you’re 65.” 

There was a pause in the conversation. We went through the whole thing again ending with, “I don’t want to take a hit.”

“You’ve been hit! Now, you gotta figure out how to survive.”  

I say another mantra. “I cannot fix what’s not within my power.” I’m always working to attend to what’s in my power and what’s not in my control. The pandemic taught me this. I cannot make others do things. I can only influence them person to person. They gotta find their own motivation. My desire is to make the tools available to them. 

My other favorite is, “There’s way more out of my control than in my control.” I’m thinking strategically. I only have so much life energy. I have to spend it wisely.

I cannot fix what’s broken in this country or the world. I can vote. I can protest. I can give money to what I believe in. I can rail at the powers that be. But the problems have been in the making since the beginning of this nation. As such, they may ebb and flow. In the historical scheme, we are nothing but we have great suffering which is everything…now.

This is an existential struggle. It’s not new or unique. We all must struggle with our impermanence. It is the rule of life. I don’t know if it’s uniquely human. We are and then we are not. What is valuable to me in the now?

Today, I was in line for the cashier at the auto parts store. A man in front of me was impatiently waiting for his young son to pick out a small toy car. I wasn’t in a hurry. I said, “He’s making an important decision.”

The man harrumphed. The cashier chuckled and smiled at me. Soon the kid walked up with a small red plastic car.  He asked his dad if he could buy a drink next. His dad said no, they’d already spent more than he’d agreed to. They walked away. I know being a parent is exceptionally hard. I also know that time is short. It’s possible love is the Everything when the rest is only so much Nothing.

Reporting from Life’s front.

Joceile

5.25.22

[Picture of The Lake at Central Park in New York City with a person sitting on a distant rock and trees fully leafed in autumn. 2022]