Old Age & Lesbian Sex

(It Ain’t Pretty)

In my age group, the agility of sex is ever more challenging.  In youth, I never considered senior sex. Now, I’m old, out, loud, and not so proud.  In youth, we didn’t need more than slippery stuff.  Planning for travel required only, “Did you pack the slippery stuff?” Woe to the partner who said, “I thought you were bringing it.”

We had only to be in the mood with a bit of privacy. Parked in a quiet corner in a cemetery? No problem. We were contortionists.  A little repetitive discomfort did not cause serious injury.

Sixty and beyond is a different matter.  We were doing good when an errant elbow to the head caused only, “Ouch!”

“I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay.”  

“Good, we can keep going?”

Our mantra became, “It's okay as long as nobody is knocked unconscious.”  (I’m typing this with eight fingers due to dominant hand thumb surgery.  You can imagine what it does to my dexterity in other areas.) 

We advanced to proper supportive pillow placement. Getting numb hands was okay as long as we could keep the movement going. Now, we fight cramping muscles and attend to our spinal alignment.  All this while focusing on orgasm.

“I can’t stay in this position.”

“What do you need?”

Later, I started fantasizing about specially designed senior sex furniture.  How does one hold their head in the proper position for muff diving?  My tongue wags freely but there are positioning issues.  I need an adjustable stool and an elevating bed with a “V” design for extended legs so I can get proper mouth placement in the crotch.  Or perhaps a sling design for my partner to gently descend into the right position and “Hold it!”  Or some kind of neck and back brace.  

Carpal tunnel, spinal stenosis, bone on bone joints.  Suddenly, sex is climbing in the alps without the proper climbing gear.  REI does not have equipment guidance for sex safety.  No floor specialists to make educated recommendations.

We thought water buoyancy would help. The hot tub water was warm but this created an additional distraction of keeping one of us from drowning.  

With everything on the same level, floor sex might have worked except that floors are hard (really, any surface is); there are still positioning issues; and if we’re both on the floor, who’s going to help us up?

Even cuddling is tricky.  All furniture is now the enemy, either too hard or too soft, in an aging Goldilocks hell.  When traveling, we don’t look for views or romantic walks.  We drill into furniture details. Lofts with ladders are out.  If we rent or borrow an RV, we need a bed we can roll into and out of.  We can no longer crawl.

You’d think with all our sleeping issues we’d have lots of time for sex.  Certainly, the reverse was true when we were young.  We could have sex all night and wake up only mildly tired.  Now, we have no sleep and no sex, and we’re exhausted.

The good news is we’re still madly in love. Now, we know we can go the distance.  We enjoy each other’s company and still make each other laugh so hard we pee.  So, you young people, work on your humor.  If you’re lucky enough to get old, you’re going to need it.

Joceile

12.19.21