I’m awake. It’s 49 minutes after midnight. I’ve been watching old television, Maverick and the Rockford files. I don’t want to be awake. My body just won’t relax. My legs hurt. If I lie down, they twitch. It’s impossible to sleep with my legs twitching. So, I’ve learned to stay awake and just wait...until the easy companionability between my mind and my body drift into The Zone. The Zone is the place where the pain of the day melts into the tiredness of the night and I’m able to drift into gentle sleep.
Today is my Grandpa’s birthday. He’s been dead for 26 years. If he were alive, he’d be 107. It’s not likely that such a thing could have come to pass. In a dream last night, I saw my Granny. I was talking to a woman at work. I saw my Granny and my god-parents, Homer and Lucille Kline, come through a door. I said the the woman, “I’m sorry. I have to go see them now.”
I walked over to Granny as the Klines walked away. They were all younger. I said, “I didn’t expect to see you here.” Granny smiled. We talked for a few minutes. Then, they had to leave to catch some form of transportation. I hugged her.
My dreams are an odd thing. I see everyone and everything from my life in my dreams both the good and the bad. It means that I regularly get to see those I love who have died. I visit houses and buildings that have changed and I no longer have access to. I can intentionally see anyone. I just have to keep the intention foremost in my mind that I want to see them. They will show up fairly quickly if I keep an eye out for them.
I know this because of an experiment Ronnie and I did many years ago. I told her about lucid dreaming. This is when I wake up in my dream and know I am dreaming. This introduces the ability for me to control or direct my dreams. My favorite thing is to fly. I can feel my body, my skin, the wind blowing me, and hear sounds.
To fly, I have to believe I can. I know I can fly so I start to rise up. “Yes, yes, I’m flying.” I go higher and higher—a thrilling feeling. A doubt strikes me. “But, maybe I can’t.” I start to sink. “No, I can fly. I know it. I feel it.” I got up again and keep flying as long as I suspend disbelief.
It has also helped me change the outcome of nightmares. Fighting off monsters is similar. “I can beat you. I’m stronger than you. Go away.” While I am aware I am dreaming, I can make anything happen. I was telling Ronnie about this. I needed a trigger to help me remember I’m dreaming. Ronnie said, “What about a yellow notebook?”
“That will do. When I see a yellow notebook, I’ll know I’m dreaming.” We decided to see how long it would take for a yellow notebook to appear. Every night before going to bed, I’d remind myself to look for the yellow notebook. It took three nights before it showed up. “Ah, I see it.” It made me remember I was dreaming so I could be awake or lucid in my dream and direct the action.
This powerful awareness helped me master nightmares. I regularly had a dream it was dark in the house and every light I tried to turn on would burn out. I went from room to room trying to find and keep a light turned on as light bulb after light bulb blew. I was scared and increasingly panicked. After years, I finally realized, “The only time all the light bulbs burn out is when I’m dreaming. So, if I notice all the light bulbs burning out, it means I’m dreaming and can wake up.” Now, when all the light bulbs start burning out, I recognize that I’m dreaming and can stop the dream.
Having access to so much power in my mind also requires restraint. As I worked through childhood abuse of a horrendous nature, one night I got this bright idea to ask myself to reveal the truth of what happened to me. In my dream state, I opened my mind to all of what I knew. Instantly, I saw the depth and breadth of what I was dealing with. The pit of a deep, frightening canyon enveloped me. It was devastating and overwhelming. I imagined it to be similar to a person on a bad LSD trip. I reversed course as quickly as possible and learned an important lesson. “Don’t ask for more information than I am prepared to handle.” Slowing down the process of dealing with great harm and evil is essential to maintaining my well being.
Opening myself up to the absolute power of my lucid dream state is powerful medicine. I use it judiciously. I don’t see Granny and Grandpa every night. Several times a month is enough to keep me from missing them quite so much. Tonight, I am wondering if using lucid dreaming would be an opportunity to make some peace with my body. Something to look into. I have to think about what the trigger would be and what experience or message I want to tell myself in my powerful dream state. I’ll talk to my counselor about that. More to come.
L’Chaim.
Joceile
7.20.20
[Picture of a spiral college ruled yellow notebook.]
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