I used to have disturbing characters in my mind. They were part of an organized dissociative response to extreme childhood trauma. Fortunately, the story doesn’t end there. Although, it could have and often does for many others.
After decades of mental health work, I slowly made peace with the most troublesome character, Sasifraz. He had said many things like, “You’re stupid. You should be dead. I’m going to kill you. The planet would be better without you.” He was the first line of resistance to my recovery.
As things resolved with him over a very, very long period, I no longer heard his voice. Instead, there was a collective of scared little children in my head. I call them the Troops. Their needs are different than Sasifraz. They are young and afraid. They are more worried about having enough food to eat and whether there are monsters outside.
Over the last ten years, I’ve worked to understand their needs in relation to my adult self. Some are similar to Sasifraz when I’m upset. “You’re stupid.” Others are the plaintive cries of little ones. “We’re hungry. Is that a monster? Don’t yell at us.”
I’m writing about this now as I am realizing we all have parts that need to be recognized. Mine are more distinct which makes them easier to identify. As I’ve worked with the Troops, I’ve slowly learned to listen to what they are saying and respond better.
“Oh, you’re hungry. We can eat now.” “That noise was not a monster. Look, you can see the shape of a tree.”
It’s been a long, evolving process. If they say, “We don’t think you can do that.” I am learning to stop responding with, “Shut up. You don’t know anything.” Most recently when a stress reaction caused me to stop eating, I found myself pushing them away when they said, “We’re worried about food.” I responded, “I don’t want to talk about it,” which didn’t help either of us.
Now when I hear them worry, I try to say, “I get that you’re worried. It’s a problem. I’ll get help eating.” The message from me is, “I’m listening. I’ll do something about your worry.” It’s important that I follow up when I say I will do something. Like children, they notice when I don’t do what I say I’ll do. I also have to remember to say thank you to them for helping me out.
I know everybody has an internal critical voice. These voices say things like, “I’m stupid. I’m ugly. I’m too old.” We sometimes buy into that voice failing to hear what we are actually saying to ourselves and considering how destructive that messaging can be.
Over the last few years, I’ve worked to incorporate the Troops into helping me with my own fears and struggles. It’s my opportunity to marshal all my parts. When I’m really scared about something I need to do like make a public presentation, I’ve learned to say, “Okay guys, I really need your help on this. You are smart and can contribute good things. Work with me so we can do our best.”
They are helpful when I do that. I might be afraid about a potentially volatile interaction. “I really need your help, guys, to find the right words. You have skills to add. Help me find the words I need here.” (I call them guys but they are many genders.) I am able to enter these scary interactions or presentations or whatever with more confidence knowing that I am using more of my brain and not just part.
We all have resources we don’t utilize. Like our computers, we only use 10-20% of our capacity. We have skills that are unknown or untapped. When we ignore the critical voice in our head or blindly obey it, we’re not using a resource. If we don’t show curiosity about, “What is this,” those resources remain dormant.
Sometimes, it’s asking a question like, “What do I really need to do about this,” and listening for the answer. Occasionally, the answer is something we don’t want to hear. “I need to find a new job.” “I need to eat more nourishing food.” “I need to be more patient with my child.” Often I learn the things I need to do if I just stop, be still, and listen. I don’t always like what I hear. But, it’s information. My job then is to turn that information into something that serves all of me.
My goal is to remember to include the Troops. My guess is we all have these parts we can invite to help improve our lives. To that end: What’s the question most pressing in your mind? What’s the answer no matter how far fetched? What are you going to do about it?
I tell the people I love and work with: Take care of yourself. It’s up to you. Nobody is going to do it for you... unless maybe, you invite the Troops.
L’Chaim.
Joceile
1.3.19
[Picture of cartoon drawing of a Troop member discovered called the Little Hoodlum with messages saying he is a smart, strategic thinker who helps me think outside the box. Hence, he helps me solve tough puzzles.]
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