I have a kind of sadness that can’t be put into words. Though obviously, I’m gonna try.
There is me and my aging friends. Knowing that something is going to take us out. We don’t know when. If it’s not me, it’ll be many of them. This is hard to swallow.
There are those who have passed on before me. Some, 40 years ago. Some, the year before last. Either way, I miss them.
There is pain big and small. Pain in my body. Pain in my soul. Pain in my community and in my country. Pain worldwide.
Earth pain. Pain in the natural world. Pain in the animal world. Ocean pain, glacier pain, atmospheric pain.
I am sad I can’t see the Milky Way from anywhere near my home. An ancient marvel has been taken from me because of our collective fear of the dark.
There are certain antidotes to pain. Dogs and cats are good. Children having fun. Laughter, humor, and kindness.
Tonight I was blessed with a waitstaffer full of humor and generosity of spirit. We asked to be moved because of a draft and paraded to our new table. I turned to her and said, “Picky old people. What can you do?”
She laughed and said, “I love it!” I didn’t know exactly what she loved but it didn’t matter. It was obviously good.
Next to us was a long table of dressed up women in fancy clothes laughing and talking. We puzzled what they were celebrating and asked the waitperson, “Are they a bachelorette party, a birthday party, or…?”
She said, “I’m tempted to have you keep guessing but you’ll never guess.”
“Oooo,” we said, “Tell us! Tell us!”
“They’re a book group.” That brought sheer delight to our table and clapping on my part. They were having a girls’ night out. A book group’s gotta have fun.
Everyone was having fun and talking. It made me feel good. But on reflection late tonight, the sadness seeps back in. Is this what Germany felt like nearly 100 years ago? The laughter, the partying, ignoring the terror of others?
Sadness is a constant companion. Is this what “never forget means?” So many of us at risk. Who will live? Who will die? Who’s denied medical care? Who’s homeless? Who will be detained? Who deported? Welcome to 21st century America. I am frightened. A night of enjoyment is still tainted by this creeping terror. If not me, then you? Safety and security is more of an illusion than ever.
I walk carefully literally and metaphorically seizing the opportunity to stand up for what’s right and not fall down and break something. I can’t be shy. I must show up. If not you, then me?
L’Chaim.
Joceile
4.18.25
